Etheru riffs: My Immortal

I've decided to just make this a separate thread, because I don't want to clutter up my normal riffing thread with just one fic. Chapters 1-4, everyone~!
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AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

Explaining her jokes, homophobia, and spelling having problems.

This story si off to a great start... Wait this is the authors note, never mind.

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way

You have the longest goddamn name ever. Shorten it, please.

and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).

You are an anime character, and I will stop the insults there in fear of my own hypocrisies.

Also, I would love to "get da hell out of here" in your own eloquent words, but I want to riff this fanfic.

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.

I will not call the author shallow... Yet. Also, this makes me go ew for reasons I do not want to explain in normal format, so I want to blur it. Higlight at your own risk:

I feel like she wants to incest him up.

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.

Then you're a goddamn poser. GTFO.

I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen).

I love how her backstory seems to be an afterthought.

I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)

Thank you for insulting the audience's intelligence, Mrs. Ravenway. I have full sympathies for you.

and I wear mostly black.

Yeah, okay.

I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.

I bet you'd go on a killing spree if it were to close down.

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

...This would have been better had you mentioned this before and not demeaned the audience's intelligence, Ravenway.

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.

At the same time? Really? How is it raining AND snowing at the same time? Then again, I have seen something like that... I think.

A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Yeah, damn those preps for staring at you, Ravenway! >:|

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

Draco being social? MY LIFE IS A LIE

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Oh, you know... Just want crush POTTER" he said in an angry voice, almost hissing the word "Potter".

"Nothing." he said shyly.

And he's shy. Neat.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

BYE :D

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

That pun sucked was dumb.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

I ain't a prep. I was an average dork in High School.

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.

I prefer to think that it's just cherry Kool-Aid.

My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends.

You seriously decorated your Coffin?

I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.

Oh look, another band reference.

That won't get old quickly.

Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on.

I'm starting to think that you're the Goth that other Goths avoid.

I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

Why do we even need to read her put on her clothes?

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)

Willow confirmed for Author Avatar.

woke up then and grinned at me.

The mental image I have is of an Uncanny Valley CGI woman who talks to a similarly Uncanny Valley CGI woman grinning at another one.

I am hoping to haunt you with this mental image for the next five months.

he flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

Okay, after this ends, I'll leave it to a vote: Do you want me to continue copy-pasting the clothing descriptions, or do you want me to just skip them entirely?

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah, he was all out-of-character and inconsistent!"

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

...Did I walk into an anime fanfic placed into the wrong section?

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

Oh, never mind, there's a Harry Potter element.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Okay! Jesus Fucking Christ, no need to curse at your best friend. :|"

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

COINCEDENCE

...Nah, nah, that's not as good as SCIENCE.

Is there any attempt to portray science in this fanfic? I want to yell that. :(

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

Truly, a romance worthy of surpassing that of Gone With The Wind. (Thanks, Neon!)

Alternatively: a romance worthy of surpassing Al and Peg Bundy. (And thanks to you, Chucko!)

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

"Ebony_Dark_ness_Dementia_Raven_Way.EXE has crashed. Please reboot."

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

Good to know, but I bet you wish you owned the lyrics and "dis".

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.

Those spikes are gonna kill someone. Not that I think Ravenway would mind, considering that I think she'd just start drinking their blood as soon as, nay, BEFORE hitting the ground.

...

I am running out of snark. These clothing descriptions are getting repetitive.

I felt a little depressed then,

Are you the one reading the fanfic?

...

Wait, I'm not depressed. My analogy has failed me.

so I slit one of my wrists.

THATS WHAT GOFFS DO RIGHT

I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding

Because that's totally the way to stop being depressed: read a depressing book.

Also, where's that excitement from earlier?

...Wait, I'm asking for character consistency in My Immortal. My bad.

and I listened to some GC.

Oh look, another music reference.

I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick.

Please stop.

I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway.

Because your fashion sense has been great so far.

I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

Oh right you're a vampire I forgot about that

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.

"I stole it from teh weasleys. I'm cool right? >:)"

He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

PLEASE stop describing your fashion senses.

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

You're going out with the guy of your (and a billion others) dreams.

My heart understands your inner turmoil.

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert.

They crashed on their way there. The End.

...

Okay, fine, that's not the end.

On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.

I'm honestly more interested in the drugs than I am the music. I did not think I would say that.

When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

I have the happiest mental image ever, right there.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood
They're all so happy you've arrived
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).

Again, I bet you wish you did.

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

Fawns over a more famous man rather than the guy she's apparently SUPPOSED to be fawning over.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

I honestly think she's lying through her teeth.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco.

"Aside from walking in on Draco kissing somebody else, but more on that later."

After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!

DUN. DUN. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

Pft, blatant contradiction.

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

You have to be dense to not figure out what's going on here. Megadense if you've never seen a movie before.

...Which would honestly not surprise me if she had never watched a movie, considering she seems to worship music artists like they're gods.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

I get the feeling that Ravenway has no idea what the words "depressing" or "sorrow" mean.

I will not doubt "evilness", though.

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

They brought their Portable NES and played Mega Man 5, hence, putting his Mega Man 5 game into her NES.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

I don't want to know where they started kissing.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!

And thus, a meme was created.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

I am not a prep. Stop calling me a prep.

And I think I understand poor Dumbledeor's anger. These two are having sex in a forest which has the word Forbidden in it, with a headache on top of it. Maybe Dumbledeor's anger will be explained and they'll apologize.

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

He still has a headache, I see.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I love that match brand!

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

As opposed to looking happy that their students were sexing it up in the Forbidden Forest.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

McGonagall for new favorite character.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" is not a very good reason to let two people go.

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

This is probably an attempt to make them villains.

I am so far finding Dumbledore and McGonnagall more interesting. The jury's still out on Snape.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied.

Ravenway confirmed for liar.

I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out….

Stop talking about your appearance, you vain jackass.

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

Draco is boring. Shake this up with some conflict!

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

And good reviews were given.

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

I'm not sure spray-painting your hair is the most productive way to dye your hair.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

Ew.

And I get the feeling she keeps forgetting she's supposed to be a vampire, sometimes.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.

So, who is this OC?

He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.

...No, they're not implying that he's him. That'd just be silly...

He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.

TMI, Ravenway.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

IS EVERY LOVE INTEREST THIS FRICKIN SHY

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

...

I guess this means I can make as many balls-out theories I want to with this story now. I'll wait for the time to make balls-out theories, though.

Also, nice mood swing there, Harry.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

More moodswings from Harry!

"Yeah." I roared.

I think you mean "YEAH.", if you roared it.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

Oh look, the love interest. I'm having difficulties with Draco at this point, for some reason. Are McGonnagol and Dumbledore gonna appear again? I miss them. :(

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!

Kay.

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).

We get it, you disagree with the claims that she's a Mary Sue. Don't let it pollute the story.

...

On second thought, let it pollute the story. It's more amusing this way.

I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes.

I am starting to become amused by how any words that have anything to do with sadness are becoming quickly overused.

I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.

Nah, he's just pissed that somebody destroyed his room and stole his Count Chocula cereal.

Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

You played with your Wii all day long?

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

You are the horniest people I have ever read.

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

"So that's who you were making out with!"

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"I had to go. Draco then took a gun, and shot me in the back. I died feeling unloved. The End."

...

NAH.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"

This coming from the person who puts blood in her cereal. You are not good at enforcing your own point, Ravenway.

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked.

As if being reprimanded by his teachers for sexing it up in the Forbidden Forest wasn't enough. Does he WANT to get expelled?

He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.

Clearly, you do care. You actually decided to explain that it's big.

I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"Yes, Mrs. Ravenway?"

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

"...Mrs. Ravenway, it is completely inappropriate to talk that way to another student."

This is how I wish that exchange went.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a prep!

I don't want to know who "flassed" you- Oh, wait, you meant flaming. My bad.

Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

Why can't my schools have shenanigans like this? Minus the horny teenager bit.

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.

I don't. Care. What B'loody Mary looks like. God.

Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.

Why are you talking about Hermione now?

Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )

...So, B'loody Mary is Hermione?

Right. Moving on.

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

Okay, that's officially better than what I came up with.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)

Wait what the hell

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.

Was that Draco's point of view? I'm still bugged!

And Poor Communication at its finest, everyone.

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears.

You were masculine once?

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

Dumbledore sweared in the films because he had a headache? I forgot all about that! :o

I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

CONTINUITY

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!

No concept of spoilers.

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

That's a mind control spell. He's pretty much got you right where you want to.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.

Voldemort apparently has a deathly fear of Hermione's cat.

I am interested in seeing where the story goes with this.

Also, where was this sadism mentioned before?

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

A little weird getting this girl you've never met before to kill your own mortal enemy, but maybe he's got a plan.

I thought about Voldemort and his sexah eye

Wait wait wait sorry, that's what I EXPECTED to happen...

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?

Like they've been trying to tell you?

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.

Why a gun? Couldn't a powerful magic spell do the job better?

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

If Voldemort didn't notice, who would?

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly.

Or that.

Though I think he means telepathy.

"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

Bye, Voldemort!

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

Oh look, the love interest. I missed him.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

I don't care what he looks like or how miserable he is. Shut up.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

Teenagers. Amiright?

AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!

Right.

I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.

That is a horrible name for a gothic metal band and I hope it crashes and burns.

I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.

Not helping the Mary Sue claims.

The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) and Hargrid.

I like how she explains who Ron is in a rather to-the-point, even though Harry and Hermione got rather lengthy explanations of who they are and the completely ridiculous changes they went through.

Guess the author doesn't care for Ron.

Also, where's Willow?

Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead.

With good reason: They realized what kind of fanfic they were in.

I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.

I'm hungry for steak. Glad to know that it also kills vampires.

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.

I'm gonna take every single claim of yours with a grain of salt, considering that you lust over other men despite being in a relationship with Draco, and also change moods on a whim.

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily.

Oh, and she curses out her best friends when she's feeling sad. That's also another good reason to think of you as a narrator that's completely unreliable.

And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.

I think Draco's dead, then.

Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

Was he just... There, the entire time?

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)

I want to say something about the author's muggle claim in her Authors Note, but I don't know what to say.

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

I THINK SOMEONE NEEDS DIAPER CHANGING STATION

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery

Oh no, he's got a headache again!

and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.

DAMMIT I WANTED HIM TO HAVE A HEADACHE

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) "Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."

"Despite the fact that should be impossible, according to what was said earlier..."

And wow, Draco's dead! I can't wait to see how this affects the rest of the story!

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!

Your version of "rly sris issues", maybe.

"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Your mood swings are even worse than Harry's.

DUMBLEDORE HAS A HEADACHE AGAIN :D

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume.

Of course. Who doesn't get naked and listen to Linkin Park in a probably empty bathtub.

I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed!

If you're gonna commit suicide, don't use meat products for it.

I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.

CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES

I couldn't fucking believe it.

That your clothing style is amazingly tacky?

Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.

I assume he's eating that steak you tried to commit suicide with.

And I'm just gonna assume that the video was taken after you put your clothes back on unless proven otherwise.

"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire ran in.

You have clothes on. Also, hai Harry.

"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.

I do not think a womb is a very effective weapon. I don't even think he cast a spell. I will not argue the effectiveness of a gun, however.

And I think Snape and Loopin must be, I dunno, made of iron.

Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Dumbledore continues to be my favorite character.

he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…

Please tell me he says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING MOTHERFUKERS".

Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

Dammit.

WHY MUST THIS STORY AVOID THE AWESOMENESS OF A SENILE DUMBLEDORE

"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"

I will assume that this "Hargrid" is just an OC character, and not to be confused with the teacher Hagrid.

I will not, however, think of him as a "little" Hogwarts student with a name like that. I will instead think of him as a several feet tall.

"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"

And?

"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors."

...WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

I think that this is the point I'm gonna start wondering what the fuck is going on in this story.

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.

Madly is an understatement, Ravenway.

Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"

Yeah! You still have incriminating video evidence that... She was... Wearing clothes...

...Loopin, Snape, you're not good at this whole "villain" thing, are you? You two are honestly more like stupid teenagers who wanted to do a dumb stunt. It would not surprise me in the least if that's what you are in this story.

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

Oh! You remembered you were a vampire again!

"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

Why is who doing what? Hargrid?

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.

Okay?

"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.

"Which I will not detail because I do not care about that band, just like I don't care about Ron."

"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.

What?

"Because I LOVE HER!"

LOVE IS THE STRONGEST EMOTION OF ALL

Ending it here because I screwed up the format of the next few chapters. Turns out that I didn't screw it up. The next chapter literally uses the exact same sequence twice. I'll get to that when we get to that.

AN: stop f,aing ok hargrid is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no snap iant kristian plus hargrid isn't really in luv wif ebony dat was sedric ok!

Topical.

Anyway.

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver knife that Drago had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

Where was the knife given to you?

"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I THOUGHT HE DIDN'T HAVE A SCAR ANYMORE

I stopped. "How did u know?"

"I saw it! And my scar turned back into the lightning bolt!"

"NO!" I ran up closer. "I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

What Ravenway said.

...I never want to say that again.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the lightning bolt! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

Um... I don't care for Draco's life, but I'm questioning why Voldemort has him in bondage. Does this mean that they'll drop what they're doing and try to save Draco?

Anyway I was in the school nurse's office now recovering from my slit wrists.

Nope. She goes into the school nurse's office to recover from something she said wouldn't kill her (or Draco, in a previous chapter).

She just won't stop forgetting that she's a vampire.

Snap and Loopin and HAHRID were there too. They were going to St. Mango's after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz. Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Hargrid is a student. Your argument is invalid. I think Snap and Loopin are stupid teenagers too.

Also, you're a teenager yourself. I will not say that it is not wrong for an older man to lust over a teenager, but get your facts straight, Ravenway.

Anyway Hargrid came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Enoby I need to tell u somethnig." he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

"Fuck off." I told him. "You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don't like fucked up preps like you." I snapped. Hargrid had been mean to me before for being gottik.

"No Enoby." Hargrid says. "Those are not roses."

"What, are they goffs too you poser prep?" I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink roses.

"I saved your life!" He yelled angrily. "No you didn't I replied." "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

"Whatever!" I yelled angirly.

He pointed his wand at the pink roses. "These aren't roses." He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that's all you haD TO SAY! .

"That's not a spell that's an MCR song." I corrected him wisely.

"I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes." Then he screamed. "Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio(4 all u cool goffic mcr fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for raven I love you girl!)imo noto okayo!"

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black. Now I knew he wasn't a prep.

Yes, that is indeed spelled wrong.

"OK I believe you now wtf is Drako?"

He is a shallow love interest whose only purpose in the story is to screw with you. That is "WTF" he is.

Hairgrid rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

"U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?"

"I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!" Hargrid yelled. dUMBLydore lookd shockd. I guess he didn't have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Hairgrid stormed off back into his bed. "U r a liar, prof dumbledoree!"

You know, this guy is trying his hardest to help you, and all you people do is be an asshole to him.

Is it any wonder he has a headache a lot of the time? You guys are causing him so much cranial pain!

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress that was all ripped on the ends with lace on it. There was some corset stuff on the front. Then I put on black fishnets and black high-heeled boots with pictures of Billie Joe Armstrong on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like Samara from the Ring (if u don't know who she iz ur a prep so fuk off!) and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES "fuck you" CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOOOOOOOOOTHES

"You look kawai, girl." B'loody Mary said sadly. "Fangs (geddit) you do too." I said sadly too, but I was still upset.

The depression level is rising. My heart burns for all of you.

Also, B'loody Mary confirmed for anime character.

I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I sucked all the blood.

You remembered how ineffectual they are and that you were a vampire. Props!

I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Snap and Loopin couldn't spy on me this time.

They spied on you while you had your clothes on. Shut up.

I went to some classes. Vampire was in the Hair of Magical Magic Creatures. He looked all depressed because Draco had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Draco. He was sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

I feel bad for that Hufflepuff. What did he do to deserve this fate? What was his life like? Will his parents learn about this?

"Hi." he said in a depressed way. "Hi back." I said in an wquallysaid way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos.

Are you two going to jump on top of each other and start fucking?

Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

I WAS KIDDING

"STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else.

Well said, Professor McGonnagal.

But why was everyone else watching? That class must be boring.

"Vampire you fucker!" I said slapping him. "Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Draco!" I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

For the record, I think you're the one who started it.

Just then he started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

"NO!" I ran up closer.

"I thought you didn't have a scar anymore!" I shouted.

"I do but Diabolo changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation." he said back. "Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Draco….Volfemort has him bondage!"

Remember when I said I thought I fucked up the format? This is what I meant.

She literally explained the same thing twice. This is not the final time she'll do this.

And frankly, I think this is just Harry's attempt to get a pity date.

SPECIAL FANGZ 2 RAVEN MY GOFFIX BLOOD SISTA WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

What?

HEY RAVEN DO U KNOW WHERE MY SWEATER I

She probably stole it.

AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

Whatever.

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.

Thank you, Dumbledore. THANK YOU.

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

Frankly, with how much shit you put Dumbledore through after he has: Saved you from finding out why the Forbidden Forest was forbidden, broke the news to you about Draco's "death" (which Ravenway seems to have forgotten), and trying to help you with black flames... Is it any wonder that he's gonna say "FUCK YOU" eventually? Granted, this is ridiculous retribution, but you had this coming.

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair!

DEUS EX MACHINA GO

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!"
It was…..

Dumbledore?

Voldemort!

Better than anyone else, at the very least.

AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

Then stop slitting your wrists.

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

I will avoid the obligatory poop/shit/crap joke. And I think you just removed any fear that could be obtained from this.

We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail.

Then who shot the Killing Curse? And apparently Cedric was killed by Snaketail. Not to be confused with the much less impressive Wormtail.

Also, Draco in his natural habitat.

"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)

Just as I said.

And maybe guns are effective in this verse. I take back what I said about guns. Maybe Voldemort did make the right choice in giving Ravenway a gun- WAIT A SECOND...

"Huh?" I asked.
"Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

It wouldn't surprise me if you did eventually decide to fuck him. Wouldn't surprise me if you wanted to fuck Voldemort.

"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

STOP CHANGING MOODS

"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying.

Apparently, Voldemort has high heels. Weird.

"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

Please stop having sex.

"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything."

I feel like you just ruined your own point...

"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco.

I completely disagree with you, Draco. Completely.

"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. (an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away.

Oh look, "I just want to be normal" crap. As far as I'm concerned, you are normal. You keep forgetting the fact you're vampires.

And so far, Voldemort doesn't seem to want to screw with you.

I also disagree with claims that she's not a snob.

Sorry for the FIVE MONTH wait, guys. I'll get right on this.

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein!

Raven's helping you slit your wrists?

"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"

...Why did I come back to riff this story again? |:l

But I was too mad.

"I am mad because I explained it. Rarrr".

"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted.

Nope. I'm not convinced that you're not a hypocrite at all.

I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class.

At least you're remembering you're a vampire more consistently. There's that.

And for the love of god, EVERYTHING reminds this chick of Draco and Vampire.

I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out.

QUIT DESCRIBING YOUR CLOTHES. CURSE THE VOTERS

Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work.

I bet she knows nothing of it considering she knows nothing of the human body in her narration.

I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco!

Wait what the fuck

"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!."

NO. EXPLAIN WHY THE FUCK A GUITAR TURNED INTO DRACO. WHY THE FUCK DID A PENTAGRAM TURN INTO A GUITAR TURN INTO DRACO.

On that note: Oh goodie, more Character Shilling.

Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the
entire class!

I would honestly be more interested in this if Snape was the teacher.

His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .

I barely know who there are, but no, I am not getting "da fuk out od hr".

"OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them.

You are so easy to please, Ebony. Either that, or you're lying in the narration.

Also, damn those preps! Damn them for... Staring... At... You...

...

Damn them!

"I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story.

...Then why bring them up?

Then we went away holding hands.

Can we PLEASE go back to the insane antics of Dumbledore or at least Voldemort? I am getting so sick of this romance. :/

Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether.

Even the Preps? Those are some humble Preps.

Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.

Yay! We're going to another concert!

Before we start the next chapter/segment of the fic, here's a reminder from the people who posted the fic:

"Publisher's Note: Hey everyone! It's Olivia again! It's at this point that Tara begins to make a real mess of her writing. Due to many confusing circumstances, ignore the first paragraph of this chapter. It just makes everything really confusing and most likely was intended to be the first paragraph of chapter 17.

Sorry for Tara's sucky writing skills.

Olivia"

So yeah, for the remainder of the fic, leave your sanity at the door, because this is when the story stops making sense.

And to preserve the "mind-blowing" plot twist in the first paragraph, I will do just that.

AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!

This is not that paragraph I'm skipping. Let this sink in. Just... Wow. I have no idea what she's saying at all.

"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them"

:|

:|

QUIT. MOODSWINGING.

I. HATE. YOU.

"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what.

"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice.

So talking about sex isn't fine, but screwing in the middle of a classroom is? I know that it was technically Ebony and Vampire, but for fucks sake!

"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT."

"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?"

"NO." he muttered loudly.

"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily.

No, Draco's becoming a Hipster.

Also, Ebony feels more and more like a villain protagonist every chapter. Something about this exchanges fuels that pereception. Is that just me? :/

He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me.

I was flattened cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

The memorization was SO good, that it flattened Ebony like a pancake. That is some damn good memorization.

"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

To have sex with Vampire?

B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese).

I'll ask Sunny if that's true... When I remember.

"BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)

Poor Willow. At least she was brought up again! :D

"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.

Screw you. You don't have any moral high ground here. So... Just... Screw you.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. "Maybe Willow will die too." I said.

Yeah, it's at this point I'm not even gonna pretend Ebony is a hero anymore.

"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak."

"Kawai." I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

|:l

I was gonna give the other protagonists a free pass for a moment, but nope, the story won't even let me give out the free passes.

"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA."

This sentence makes me think of Evangelion. Which I feel obliged to watch now. Huh.

B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. "Omfg totally lets go shopping."

"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.

"No." My head snaped up.

'WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?"

"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all."

"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!). Or me.

"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms."

"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go."

DUMBLEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! :D

We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs."

There are "real goffs"? Huh.

"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.

"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera."

I dunno. Those two seem goff enough.

"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

FOR THE LAST. TIME. YOU WERE WEARING CLOTHES. :|

"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said.

"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary.

"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?"

"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight."

CHARACTER SHILL- Wait what Tom Rid

"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!"

Did Draco die? PLEASE tell me he died again!

AN: I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz willo isn't rely a prep. Raven plz do dis il promis 2 giv u bak ur postr!

I think it's too late to apologize or retcon your decision, dude.

Also, I will give credit for this author's note being slightly more coherent than the last. :)

Tom Riddle gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts. "WTF Hargrid?" I shouted angrily. "Fuck off you fjucking bastard." Well anyway Willow came. Hargird went away angrily.

...Apparently, it's not too late to retcon the decision.

And I'm glad to see that Ebony has learned to listen to friends/authority figures./sarcasm.

"Hey bitch you look kawaii." she said.

And another internet meme was born.

"Yah but not as kawaii as you." I answered sadly cause Willow's really pretty and everything. She was wearing a short black corset-thingy with blood red lace on it and a blak blood-red miniskirt, leather fish-nets and black poiny boots that showed off how pale she wuz. She had a really nice body wif big bobs and everything. She was thin enouff 2 be anorexic.

Is... Is Willow Out-Mary Suing Ebony right now- Wait never mind this comes off as a backhanded compliment from a second reading. My bad.

"So r u going 2 da concert wif Draco?" she asked.

"Yah." I said happily.

Reminding us again about couples. Meh.

"I'm gong with Diabolo." she anserred happily. Well anyway Draco and Diabolo came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2.

I'm wondering who's not horny in this fic.

Diabolo was wearing a black t-shirt that said '666' on it. He was wearing tons off makeup jus like Marylin Manson. Draco was wearing black leather pants, a gothic black GC t-shirt and black Vans he got from da Warped tower.

Is... Is Ebony a Troper?

B'loody Mart was going 2 da concert wif Dracola. Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash. Navel converted to Satanism and he went goth. He was in Slitherin now.

I am not sure what to think of Neville Longbottom becoming like this. I really am not.

He was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall him Dracula now.

Yes, we caught that you call him Dracula now. Shut up about it.

Well anyway we al went 2 Draco's black Mercy-Bens (geddit cuz wer gpffik) that his dad Lucian gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. Draco and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking preps. We soon got there….I gapsed.

No skin off of those preps backs. Are they insulting YOU back?

And are you gasping for air after kissing Draco for so long?

Gerard was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix.

THERE RAVENWAY GOES AGAIN, LUSTING OVER ANOTHER MAN DESPITE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP

He had long raven blak hair n piercing blue eyes. He wuz really skinny and he had n amazing ethnic voice.

"Amazing ethnic voice"? What?

We moshed 2 Helena and sum odder songz.

Odder? Like what?

Sudenly Gerard polled of his mask. So did the other membez.

:o

I gasped.

HEY I GASPED FIRST

It wasn't Gerard at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif no nose and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Draco. Draco and I came. It was... Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!

I actually want to see this concert now. Vlodemort and Da Death Deelers sounds AWESOME.

"U moronic idiots!" he shooted angstily. "Enoby, I told u to kill Vampire. Thou have failed. And now….I shall kill thou and Draco!"

So NOW he remembers! Wow.

"No no please!" We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Ebony has a gun. I wonder if she'll use it.

Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away.

She didn't remember, but I wonder who this guy is. And black bread doesn't sound healthy.

It was... DUMBLYDORE!

OH MY GOD YES

I am just so excited for this next chapter. Dumbledore vs Voldemort, the best characters in this story!

AN: I SED STUP FLAMMING! if u do den ur a fuken prep! fangz 2 raven 4 da help n stuf. u rok! n ur nut a prep. fangz for muh sewter! ps da oder eson dumbeldor swor is koz he trin 2 be gofik so der!

I don't even care if he's trying to be "Goffik". Dumbledore is Dumbledore.

No comment on the rest.

I woke up the next day in my coffin. I walked out of it and put on some black eyeliner, black eyesharrow, blood-bed lipstick and a black really low-cut leather dress that was all ripped and in stripes so you could see my belly. I was wearing a skull belly ring with black and red diamonds inside it.

...

...

>:|

SCREW. YOU.

(Da night before Draco and I rent back to the skull (geddit skull koz im goffik n I like deth).

Oh piss off with your puns

Dumbeldore chased Vlodemort away.

This needed more time. I swear to god.

We flew there on our brooms. Mine was black and the broom-stuff was blood-red. There was lace all over it. Draco had a black MCR boom. We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song.)

SEXSEXSEXSECKS

Well anyway I went down to the Grate Hall. There all da walls were painted black and da tables were black too. But you fould see that there was pink pant underneath the black pant. And there were pastors of poser bands everywhere, like Ashlee Simpson and the Backstreet Boys.

Oh god no please tell me the universe doesn't want to have sex with her

"Those guys are so fucking hot." Navel was saying as suddenly a gothic old man with a black beard and everything came. He was the same one who had chassed away Vlodemort yesterday. He had normal tan skin but he was wearing white foundation and he had died his hare black.

I'm just... Kind of chuckling right now.

"….DUMBLEDORE?1!" we all gasped.

"WTF?" I shouted angrily. "I thought he was just wearing that to scare Volsemort!"

My rebuttal: Your clothes, fashion sense, and general PERSONALITY should scare Voldemort away. And has it? Nope.

"Hello everyone." he said happily. "As u can see I gave the room a makeover. Whjat do u fink about it?"

Everyone from the poser table in Gryiffindoor started to cheer. Well we goths just looked at each other all disfusted and shook our heads. We couldn't believe what a poser he was!1.

What is a REAL GOFF then? Do they have the same standards as you guys?

And I think he's trying to make it up to you about not assisting in saving Draco. So not only is Dumbledore the most entertaining character, he's the most humane and sympathetic so far. Even if he's trying to help/please these assholes.

"BTW you can call me Albert." HE CALLED AS WE LEFT to our classes.

Don't you mean Albus- Oh fuck it this isn't even a Harry Potter fanfic anymore.

"What a fucking poser!" Draco shouted angrily as we we to Transfomation. We were holding hands. Vampire looked really jealous.

I thought they were OVER each other. :|

I could see him crying blood in a gothic way (geddit, way lik Gerard) but I didn't say anything. "I bet he's havin a mid-life crisis!" Willow shouted.

I was so fucking angry.

I thought your feud with Willow was over!

im nut ok i promise

I don't even understand that sentence.

For the curious, this was at the beginning of Chapter 19.

AN: plz stup flaming da story if u do ur a foken prep n ur jelous ok!11 frum noq un im gong 2 delt ur men reviowz!111 BTW evonyd a poorblod so der!1 fangz 2 raven 4m da help!11

So, typical "stop flaming" stuff along with a confusing retcon.

At least Raven and her are on better terms. Maybe?

All day we sat angerly finking about Dumbelldore. We were so fucking pissed off. Well, I had one thing to look forward too- da MCR concert. It had been postphoned, so we could all go.

WHAT REASON IS THERE TO BE ANGRY AT HIM? HE PUT YOU RIGHT AT HOME.

And I am really starting to care less about these concerts. Unless Vlodemort and Da Death Deelers show up again.

Anyway, I went to the common room sadly to cut classes. Draco was being all secretive.

I asked what it was and he got all mad me and started crying all hot and angsty (rnt sensitve bi guyz so hot).

Eh, sensitive bi guys are okay.

And I think that's the point of being secretive: he wants to keep a secret.

"No one fucking understands me!1" he shouted angrily as his black hare went in his big blue eyes like Billie Joe in Boulevard of Borken Dreamz. He was wearing black baggy paints, a black MCR t-shirt and a black die. (geddit insted of tie koz im goffik) I was wearing a blak leather low cut top with chains all over it all over it a blak leather mini, black high held boots and a cross belly fing. My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik)

Aside from the clothing, Draco is terrible at keeping secrets. I'm not even gonna comment on the clothing.

"Accuse me? What about me!" I growled.

"Buy-but-but-" he grunted.

"You fucking bastard!" I moaned.

"No! Wait! It's not what it fucking looks like!" he shouted.

Isn't this pretty much several chapters ago? Just with even more spelling and grammar errors?

But it was to late. I knew what I herd. I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring. Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my feces like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!).

...Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO smoke pot.

Pft

Suddenly Hargrid came. He had appearated.

"You gave me a fucking shock!" I shouted angrily dropping my pot. "Wtf do you fink you're doing in da gurl's room?"

Maybe he's trying to tell you that thing from several chapters ago? The thing you brushed him off about?

Only it wasn't just Hargrid. Someone else was with him too! For a second I wanted it 2 b Tom Rid or maybe Draco but it was Dumblydore.

"Hey I need to ask you a question." he said, pulling out his black wanabe-goffik purse. "What are u wearing to the concert?"

"U no who MCR r!" I gasped.

"No I just saw there was a concert dat a lot of gothz and punx were going 2." He said. "Anyway Draco has a surprise for u."

Go back to being insane, Dumbledore. I'm starting to miss that. :(

Then again, he is being a sympathetic character rather than... Well, what Ebony and the other protagonists are.

AN: I sed I dnoty ker wut u fink! stof pflamin ok prepz!1 fangz 2 raven 4 da help!1 oh yah btw ill be un vacation in transilvania 4 da nex 3 dayz so dnot expect updatz.

Riiiiiiiiiiight. Transylvania.

All day I wondered what the surprise was.

An actual Slytherin uniform.

Meanwhile, I pot on a blak ledder mini, a blak corset with urple lace stuff all over it, an black gothic compact boots.

More clothes.

MCR were gong 2 do the concert again, since Volxemort had taken over the last one.

I'm sort of wondering why Voldemort's not being as stealthy in the books, but then I remember that this isn't even a Harry Potter fanfic anymore.

I slit my wrists while I moshed 2 MCR in my bedroom all night, feeling excited. Suddenly someone knocked on the door while I was trying on sum black clothes and moshing to Fang u 4 da Venom.

|:l

I gut all mad and turned it of, but sacredly I hopped inside dat it was Draco so we could do it again.

All their brainpower goes into just that task, doesn't it?

"Wut de fucking hell r u doing!" I shouted angrily. It was Loopin! "R u gonna cum rape me or what." I yelled. I was allowed to say dat because Dumblydore had told us all 2 be careful around hem and Snap since he was a pedo.

See? Maybe Dumble's not so bad after all!

Also, I thought that they decanonized what happened to Willow's corpse?

"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily.

...

I have no words. What.

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally.

"Fuker." He said, gong away.

I expect this to not even be explained. Ever.

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation.

MAKEUP

Then I went. Den I gasped….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1

WHAT

Granted I knew about this exchange but WHAT

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying.

Not to defend Mrs. Ravenway, but you were doing it IN THE MIDDLE OF A HALLWAY (and Dobby was watching!).

Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now)

Really? I didn't get that impression several chapters ago.

And STOP CHANGING PEOPLES ALLIANCES. I AM COMPLETELY CONFUSED AS TO WHO IS WHO NOW

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)

"Sadistically"? That doesn't even make any sense in the context of this situation!

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily.

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed.

I doubt you would have given them to him anyway! You have so far lied to your boyfriend and fawned over other men! Why WOULD you give a condom to them?

...I can not even believe I said that.

"You dimwit!." Snake began 2 shoot angrily. And then…I took out my black camera and took a pic of them. U could see that they were naked and everything.

And we can add hypocrisy to that list, given she chastised them for this exact thing several chapters ago. Only she had clothes on.

"Well xcuse me!" they both shouted angrily. "What was dat al about?"

Is Tara a fan of Zelda as well?

"It wuz to blackmail u." I snarked.

And in case there were ANY doubts that she was being hypocritical...

"So now next time you see me doing it with my boyfriend you cant fuking rat me out or I'll show dis to Dumbledork. So fuck off, u bastards!"

"Dumbledork". Such an original and endearing insult.

I started to run. They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. Well anyway, I went outside and there was Vampire, looking extremely fucking hot.

Throwing your wound must either have been really painful or very satisfying.

"WTF where'd Draco?" I asked him.

"Oh he's bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn't cum." Vampire said shaking his hed. "U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?"

I don't think the fic is even trying to be subtle anymore.

Then….. he showed me his flying car. I gasped. It was a black car. He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said 'ENOBY' on it.

….I gasped.

First: This sounds exactly like several chapters ago.

Second: Okay yeah Dogfather is pretty funny.

We flew to the concert hall. MCR were there, playing.

Vampire and I began 2 make out, moshing to the muzik. I gapsed, looking at da band.

I almost had an orgasim. Gerard was so fucking hot! He begin 2 sing 'Helena' and his sexah beautiful voice began 2 fill the hall. ….And den, I heard some crrying. I turned and saw Draco, cryin in a corner.

...Oh my god, this pretty much IS exactly like the first chapter.

I want to say "aside from the whiny Draco" but that's all Draco's BEEN doing.

AN: fuk u ok! u fokng suk. itz nut ma fult if itz speld rong ok koz dat bich ravern cuz it fok u prepz!1 woopz soz raven fangz 4 da help. btw transilvana rox hrad!1 I even gut 2 go 2 da kasel wer drkola was flimed!

Amazing. She can't even keep her sucking up consistent.

Later we all went in the skull. Draco was crying in da common room. "Draco are u okay?" I asked in a gothic voice.

"No I'm not u fuking bitch!" he shouted angrily. He stated to run out of the place in a suicidal way. I stated to cry cuz I was afraid he would commit suicide.

This is all going from a romantic drama to a complete FARCE.

"Its ok Enoby." said Vampire comfortly. "Ill make him feel better."

"U mean you'll go fuck him wont you!" I shouted angrily. Then I ran 2 get Draco. Vampire came too.

I thought you were pissed at Vampire. Why let him come?

"Draco please come!" he began to cry. Tears of blood came down his pail face. I wuz so turned on cuz I love sensitive bi guyz. (if ur a homophone den fuk of!)

I'm not a homophone. I don't even know what that is.

And then….. we herd sum footsteps! Vampire got out his blak invincibility coke. We both gut under it.

It figures that a cloak would become what is essentially a drug.

We saw the janitor Mr. Norris there, shouting angrily with a flashlight in his hand.

...Wait, isn't Mrs. Norris the ca-

"WHOSE THERE!" he shouted angrily. We saw Filth come. He went unda da invisibility cloke and started to meow loudly.

She completely switched their roles and in the case of Mrs. Norris, her gender.

"IS ANY1 THERE!" yelled Mr. Norris.

"No fuck u you preppy little poser sun of a fukcing bich!" Vampire said under his breast in a disgusted way.

"EXCUS ME! EXCUS ME WHO SED DAT!" yelled Mr. Norris.

Man, nobody has good ideas in this story.

"Filth is der any1 unda da cloak!" he asked.

|:l

But how can he see under- NEVER MIND.

And then….Vampir frenched me! He did it jus as….. Mr. Norris was taking of da cloak!1

...Yeah, I've got no emoticon to express my thoughts on this.

"WHAT DA-" he yelled but it was 2 late cuz now we were ruining away frum him.

I think he's just as baffled as me. Excellent plan, story.

And den we saw Draco crying n bustin in2 tearz and slitting his rists outside of da school.

In other words: Nothing new.

"Draco!" I cried. "R u okay?"

"I guess though." Draco weeped. We went back to our coffins frenching each other.

I don't have anymore comments about this tepid romance.

Draco and I decided to watch Lake Placid (c isnt da deprezzin) on the gothic red bed together.

I guess? Huh.

As I wuz about 2 put in the video, my eyes rolled up and suddenly I had a vision of something that was happening now. There was a knok on the door and Fug and da Mystery of Magic walked into the school!1

...SHE HAS FORESIGHT NOW?