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    Mass Effect: Everyone Yell At The Council


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    Mass Effect: Everyone Yell At The Council

    Post by [FAZE]xXx420blaz3sc0pexXx on Tue Jun 28, 2011 4:22 am

    The Council was in arguments again, and that's when Shepard got the idea. It was a very beautiful idea and an idea bound to make the galaxy fall into shits and giggles. Everyone was going to call the Council. And hang up on them. This was going to be fun.

    The first one to go was Shepard. "What have you called us for now?" was the provoked, angry response from Velarn. "I've got a report on the Collector Base." "We've already told you, the Reapers don't exist!" Shepard disconnected them. "I beg to differ."

    The next one up was Jacob. "Hello?" Jacob looked at him. "I'd just like to say, you guys are a piece of shit. Putting a smear job on Shepard? He helped me with my father. He helped everyone on this bucket. He deserves better from you assholes." "...WHAT DID YOU CALL US?" Velarn lashed out, but it was to no avail. "Velarn, take that stick out of your ass. Heavy risk, but the priiiize." And Jacob disconnected.

    Number three was Garrus. "I know you! You're the classic example of what a turian shouldn't be!" Garrus was quick to reply, "And you're too good of a turian. Shepard helped me with Sidonis and kept me from killing him." "There is no such thing as too good!" "Yes, there is. Fuck you, Velarn, I hope a vorcha tears your crop out of your chest." "YOU TAKE THAT BACK!" "I can't hear you, I'm in the middle of some calibrations." Garrus disconnected.

    Jack called next. "You're all pussies. You know how you should have handled this! You should have just up and killed everyone!" Tevos quietly put in, "But that's not how the Council work-" "Shut up, azure bitch. Shepard's done more for this galaxy - and ME - than you assholes ever would have done. I hope a Krogan shits on your graves." Jack disconnected with a smile on her face.

    The fifth one to call was Grunt. "What the hell is a krogan doing calling us?" "I am pure krogan. You're assholes. But you." He pointed a stubby, long finger at Velarn. "Looking at you makes me feel like I want to snap your spine in half. I WANT to snap your spine in half. You smeared my battlemaster, and Shepard helped me figure out my place in the world. I'm going to kill you. But I'll wait until the Reapers die off until I do so. Cuttlebone." With that, Grunt disconnected.

    Numero six was Mordin. The Salarian councilor recognized him. "Mordin! Good to see you. Have you come here to smear us too!" "No, only here to smear Velarn. Bad example of councilor and wishes of people. Shepard helped me with problems. Your smearing of Shepard after all the good she's done is... problematic." Mordin disconnected before Velarn could think about saying a word.

    The seventh call came from Miranda. "Cerberus!" "Not any-more. I'm not sure why I wear this suit. Your actions haven't been logical. Shepard helped me with my sister. Not to mention that--" "Shepard's done more for this galaxy than we have, I get it. Go." Tali and Legion kept the line open. "No. You're assholes for ever having smeared Shepard. I hope you burn in hell." Miranda disconnected, after spitting on the transmitters.

    Eighth call went to Samara. "You have not been performing as to the Code. Shepard solved the dispute I had with Mirala. I respect her for this. If I were not bound by the Code I would kill you three." "But-" Disconnect.

    Samara then stepped by, to let Morinth through. She waited a few minutes, and called the Council. "Who the hell are you?" "An Ardat-Yakshi. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't go to where you live, Velarn, and kill you via meld!" "BECAUSE I REPRESENT-" Morinth's voice temporarily took on a double-timbre much like Garrus'. "YOU REPRESENT NOTHING." She disconnected.

    The tenth call went to Thane. "Thane, can you fake solipsism?" "I believe I can, Shepard. Just give me a few moments." Thane keyed up the Council. "What now?" Thane seemed to go into a trance. "She looks up scared at the turian above her. The turian points a handgun into her face. 'Daddy!' she says, but a merc holds me back. I'm helpless to watch. The turian fires, the gun resounding with a crack that stretches across the room." Velarn was utterly speechless. "You killed my daughter. You'll never find out that I'm there." Thane disconnected and laughed.

    Call eleven went to another one of Shepard's close personal friends: Tali. She stepped up to the plate, and as the Council appeared before her, she said a few simple words. "Fuck you all, you stupid bosh'tets." She disconnected without much fuss, and looked to Shepard, who could feel the amusement radiating off her. "That felt good to say."

    Legion robotically stepped up to the plate for the next one: call twelve, Shepard took care of. "A GETH? DISCONNECT!" They tried, but Legion single-handedly stood there and kept the link open. "We have achieved consensus: Velarn-Councilor is full of fecal matter. They have not done anything productive to help Shepard-Commander. This platform hopes you are spaced, so you can feel Shepard-Commander's pain as Shepard-Commander's lungs ran out of oxygen to breathe in." The council stared, and Legion disconnected.

    Zaeed stepped up the plate for call thirteen. As soon as the councilors appeared, Zaeed yelled at them. "YOU BLOODY GODDAMN IDIOTS HAVE NO IDEA OF HOW THE GALAXY WORKS, DO YOU! IT'S A CRUEL AND COLD PLACE! THE REAPERS ARE REAL, AND ALL OF YOU ARE FUCKTARDS FOR DISMISSING THAT! I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU ALL ON A SUICIDE MISSION, AND I'LL BE THE ONLY SURVIVOR! YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL!" He yelled at the Councilors, without interruptions, for ten straight minutes before Shepard disconnected for him.

    Kasumi's call was the fourteenth straight to the Council. "You know, you guys should improve. After all, I could steal every credit and you all wouldn't have a clue. For one, you can take the Reapers as real." "Alright, fine, I will." Kasumi waited for a second. "You're only saying that." Kasumi disconnected.

    Joker got in on the action and limped up for Call 15. "You know, I know that you guys are doing your best and all to run the galaxy, but the Reapers are real. After all, I blew up Soverign." "SOVERIGN WAS A GETH DREADNOUGHT-" "Then wouldn't we have seen it coming out of the Perseus Veil? You assholes need to get your heads out of the sand and your asses before we all die." Joker disconnected.

    EDI's hologram appeared for the sixteenth call. "You know, there is probably a reason behind the Reapers being swept under the rug. However, public fear is not an option. I am able to say that provided you took Shepard's claims at face value, we would be ready and able to destroy the Reapers at this point." "What? VI, cut the channel!" "I am an AI." EDI cut the channel at that point.

    Dr. Chakwas decided to perform a direct call. "I'm disgusted at your lack of faith or reservations in Shepard. Can't you see Shepard's goten the job done every time you've asked us to do our jobs? And it's because of Shepard. If I get exterminated by the Reapers, I blame you." Chakwas disconnected.

    The eighteenth call of the day went to Kelly. "You know, I think you hate Shepard on a personal level. Considering that humanity was able to score a Council seat faster than any other species, I think you should take... ehm... Council-ing for this." Kelly put on sunglasses, and a loud "YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" blared through the speakers, before Kelly shut the feed off.

    Ken and Gabby, being the duo they were, decided to combine the nineteenth and twentieth calls into one. Gabby was the first to speak. "You know, there's a term where humans come from about stubborn assholes like you." Ken butted in with a, "Yeah, and it's called BEING A DICK. You're not accepting all the evidence being shut in your face." Gabby nudged Ken. "You're sticking your fingers in your ears and going, la-la-la-la-la-la icanthearyou-" "I ought to kick you in the daddy bags after the Reapers are done." They disconnected.

    The 20th call (at this point everyone on the Normandy had gathered into a small party where everyone mixed and mingled in an attempt by Shepard to get everyone loyal to each other) went to Mess Sergeant Gardner. "Now, I'm not too fond of aliens, but you, ya cuttlebone, are the one I hate the most! Most turians in your position would take the evidence and acknolwedge it as real! Evidently you can't even do that! Next time we vote on a Council I'm voting against your scaly ass." Gardner disconnected and went back to making food for the party.

    A man with robotic irises, smoking a cigarette, stepped up to the plate, and as they appeared, he said in a raspy voice, "You do realize the Reapers are real. It's impossible to say they aren't. Reality is something that doesn't go away if you stop believing in it. You need to face facts. When Cerberus begins to dominate the galaxy, I'm going to kill you personally." The Illusive Man took a puff on his cigarette and closed the channel, before walking off.

    Councilor Anderson walked up next. He smirked. "Anderson! What the hell-" "You haven't been doing your jobs right. I know the Reapers exist, and I've been funneling attempts to help exterminate them." The salarian spoke up. "That explains the credit loss." "You're an asshole, Velarn." He disconnected.

    A man pushed his way through the crowd, wearing heavy combat armor from the 21st century, and carrying a human-built SCAR-H. He tapped the channel. "W-" Velarn got out one letter before Sergeant Foley started yelling at him. "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE AND AN INCOMPETENT BUFFOON! WHY AREN'T YOU TAKING THE EVIDENCE!" "You don't yell at a-" "I YELL AT WHO I WANT, YOU CUTTLEBONE BASTARD! DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY!" "Wha-" Foley yelled until Velarn did fifty push-ups. He glared at Foley. "Happy now?" Foley thought for a second. "No." He shot the comm panel with the SCAR, destroying it.

    Udina went up next. "Udina!" "For god's sake, if the Reapers turn out to be real, do the words "politicial shit-storm" mean anything to you?" "YES!" "THEN GET PREPARED!" Udina shut the link off fast.

    The next man looked very familiar: it was Velarn himself. "Are you an impostor?" was the first thing the turian councilor said. "No, you imbecile, I'm YOU. FROM THE FUTURE. The Reapers did come, so get prepared!" "Ah yes, Reaper-" "Don't give that tone of voice to me!" "I'LL GIVE THAT TONE OF VOICE TO ME ANY DAY!" It was a miniature yelling match for ten minutes which left everyone giggling before Tali figured they had enough and shut down the link.

    Aria T'Loak took time off from Omega to be there. She stepped up. Her threat was simple. "You know, if you don't accept the Reapers as fact and gear up for them, I'm going to crash Omega into the Citadel." "YOU WOULDN'T!" "Actually, I wouldn't. I AM OMEGA." "That makes you fat then." Aria choked Velarn through the link using her biotics until Shepard shut it down. "Let me kill Velarn." Aria left storming.

    An eight-foot-tall cracked Collector stepped up to the com-link. "A Collector? Shepard destroyed you!" "I AM THE HARBRINGER OF YOUR PERFECTION. YOU ARE AN IMBECILE. WHEN THE REAPERS COME TO HARVEST LIFE, YOU WILL BE OUR FIRST TARGET." Velarn was silent, until he began to lift into the air. "ASSUMING DIRECT CONTRO-" Shepard shut off the link before he could do anything. "Bad Harbringer." Harbringer stomped on the floor. "AWWW, BUT I WANTED TO POSSESS THAT TURIAN ASSHOLE!" "No, you'd probably just open the relay at the Citadel and usher in the Reapers." Harbringer glared at Shepard. "YOU'RE NO FUN, YOU KNOW THAT?" The possessed Collector stomped off.

    Saren and Benezia stepped up to the plate to mark the 28th call made. "Your fear is palpable." "SAREN!" "Yeah, and what about it? I hate humans, but I hate you more, Velarn. You're a disgrace to turians." "I'll kill you!" Shepard disconnected before they could get too aggressive. She did NOT want to know what Benezia could do when she was pissed off.

    Somewhere out in space, a Reaper phoned the council itself. "YOU ARE NOT GOOD. THE REAPERS WILL DESTROY YOU ALL. THE ODSS YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY DEFEND YOURSELF ARE ZERO. WE ARE." Soverign couldn't do much, being dead, and controlled by an author who never played the first Mass Effect, but disconnected.

    Ashley and Kaidan were the next ones up. "You do realize that the Reapers are real." "Skipper saved my ass from being mind-raped. Show him some respect." Velarn waited. "You're not yelling?" "We don't have to yell to get our point across." The feed disconnected.

    Liara went up to the Councilors next. "Have you ever faced an Asari Commando unit before! Few humans have." This was canned, but she knew it was effective. "I'll make it simple, Velarn: either you accept the fact the Reapers are real, or I flay you alive... WITH MY MIND." "You wouldn't do anything to me!" "I'm the Shadow Broker. I know EVERYTHING about you." Liara disconnected.

    The last one to step up was Wrex. "Velarn." "...another Krogan?" Wrex wasted no time as he reached right through the com-link and crushed Velarn's neck in his hand. "That felt good. Alright, that's all I needed to do." "You're not normally this violent, Wrex." Wrex laughed. "A wise observation, Shepard. But he's just really pissed me off. I felt like I had to do that.

    Shepard sighed. "Alright... alright..." Shep felt the glares of everyone on her, but she got an idea. "How about we go to Illium and get fucking plastered?"

    A huge cheer of joy ran through everyone assembled as EDI plotted the course.

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