Sunny's Forum

The official forum of the CCCP


    Etheru (attempts) to riff.

    Share
    avatar
    Etheru

    Male Posts : 267
    Points : 341
    Join date : 2011-02-28
    Age : 25
    Location : No.

    Etheru (attempts) to riff.

    Post by Etheru on Tue Jul 31, 2012 11:47 pm

    Hello, this is Etheru, and today, I'm going to try and riff Shiny's fanfic from back when he was 16. Let's get started!

    Do be warned, though. I am not exactly what you'd call the "smart type".
    ----
    Chapter 0 a discussion on the semantics of Abyssian lore


    An interesting title, if a bit wordy, I think.

    Ah, good evening gentle readers my name is Simon Culp and I am the keeper of the history of our fine land.

    HAI SIMON! :D

    What will we learn about the history of your fine land?

    This is a tale of two heroes who know each other, yet due to some dark means do not know each other.

    ...I have learned nothing about your fine land. :|

    Also, lol contradiction.

    What you are about to read is my account of the last great battle of our land and in particular the forming of a small group of heroes who called themselves power factor. Why such an outlandish name you may ask?

    Yes, why is there such an outlandish name?

    It along with many other mysteries gradually revealed as our saga goes on but for now, I shall supply you with a history of our fair land and also some background.

    ...Then why make me ask? And okay, maybe I'll get some good history on your fine land.

    Now while I do not appear, as of yet in this fantastic tale I shall interrupt the narrative flow from time to time to give you other background titbits but for now enjoy.

    Will you also do little cutaway jokes and gags?

    Ages ago on earth, magic was an everyday reality. The beings and beasts of a thousand mythologies roamed the world, their remarkable attributes, and abilities derived from a palpable mystic aura that suffused the planet. There were entire communities, hidden nations of magicians, the twelve greatest of which keyed their power to the sublime properties of gemstones.

    I thought we were learning history of this fine land, not mythology... Then again, I suppose those are the same thing.



    Each of the great houses ruled by a particular gem, which owed its might to that gem’s properties and attributes for example the house of Aquamarine lived underwater. Although separated by vast often-continental distances. These twelve houses maintained constant contact with each other, and although their existence was a secret, still they wielded great influence in the mundane world. However, all that changed with a distant catastrophe of great importance.


    They had found out that none of them were wearing any pants.

    ...

    I couldn't think of anything better! Don't look at me like that! :|

    For, far away in space, a major sun went nova, and the violent emanations of its explosion had vast repercussions on the mystical as well as physical planes. Great zodiacal alignments disrupted; a flux resonated through the magical field that permeates through the universe, and the ultimate result was that earth, once a great epicentre of mystic concentrations, lost most of its magic.

    SCIENCE

    As the rulers of the twelve magical houses discovered that the magic was going away, they sought to save themselves and the rest of the mystical community of earth. For they knew that once the magic was all but gone, they would be reduced to normal humanity, and the rich mixture of magical creatures in the world would die!

    I haven't figured out what to say, yet. This sounds fairly interesting.

    The masters of the twelve houses poured all their magic into eight crystals, which they blessed, to a young witch called Gaia. They bade her to look for a suitable uniformed mystical realm, a dimension far removed from the earthly plane, and then use the eight crystals to create a new world for the magical inhabitants of earth (now referred to as Gaians from now on). At last, Gaia succeeded and found a new world, which the grateful inhabitants called Gaia in honour of their saviour.

    YAY! A HAPPY ENDING FOR ALL! :D

    Meanwhile on earth it took several centuries but magic slowly crept back and the age of the second age of magic

    Lol redundancy.

    begun as Gaia prospered powered by not only the eight crystals but the twelve mystical gems as well. All was peaceful until 200 years ago when a rift between the houses caused six rebellious houses to attempt to create a world of their own. (These six were opal, aquamarine, sardonix, moonstone, turquoise, and ruby) their attempt failed and a second world sized continent became dimensionally bonded to Gaia this was then named as Nocturne and the six rebels called it their own while the other six (Amethyst, emerald, Garnet, diamond, sapphire and topaz) ruled over the other six continents.

    Should have just gone on strike, that works wonders.

    After the failed Nocturne plan, the twelve rulers sprung into action to stop such a thing from happening again. The twelve gems carved into twelve mystical items and spread across Gaia. A thirteenth was carved into the shape of a glove from a new gem, which was found called Adamant and hidden. Whoever found these thirteen items granted destructive powers of an unknown capability. Being a mystical realm Gaia simulates, but not bound by, the laws of physical reality.

    So... You can't even touch the glove?

    The eight crystals create even such everyday givens as the downward pull of gravity. Gaia consists of seven continents one of which covers half the planet (see above for the explanation). Two moons circulate the planet, as does its own sun. The sea is circular and cascades down the sides of the planet (explorers sent to find out what causes this has never returned). The fates of the twelve houses are unknown however, both the crystals and the gems of power still exists to this day.

    I'm betting the house members are just in a bar drinking their sorrows out.

    Gaia remains a land of magic and mystery to this day, a land of startling beauty and awesome horror. It is a world where the mystical possibilities are endless, where the profusion and diversity of life is obedient to the dictates of mystical rather than biological laws, where all people manipulate magic to some measure, however great or small, and where danger, wonder, and high adventure are the only certainties. Our story begins in a land called Abyssa a corrupt land filled with greed and evil. This fact went over the head of one busboy that was just about ready to begin a quest one, which will not only turn his world upside down but also forever change the way he views his world but I am getting ahead of myself.

    Well, I hope he's ready for a strange world.
    ----
    I'm not sure what to think of this first chapter, except that a lot of the World-Building is dumped on you in just this page, rather than gradually building it up. Sometimes the narration seems pointless, due to the fact that he sometimes switches subjects on a whim rather than sticking to one, but then again, I don't fancy myself an expert.

    I might try and do other fanfics and such, but for now, heading off.


    Last edited by Etheru on Sun Aug 26, 2012 10:03 am; edited 1 time in total
    avatar
    Etheru

    Male Posts : 267
    Points : 341
    Join date : 2011-02-28
    Age : 25
    Location : No.

    Re: Etheru (attempts) to riff.

    Post by Etheru on Mon Aug 06, 2012 9:02 pm

    Welp, actual Chapter 1 time!
    ----
    Chapter 1 Battle of the Bairns

    ...What does that title mean? Is that a misspelling of "Barns"? I guess Serious Business is reaching Critical Mass again. It has come to my knowledge that "Bairn" is a Scottish word for Child. My apologies to Shiny. Apparently he's fine with it. Still apologizing.

    It was a typical wet day in Abyssa, The land where water was mass-produced. In hindsight, David had wished he had worn something wet proof.

    ..."Wet proof"? I think you mean waterproof.

    And I would get into Mass-Producing water, but I'm not a physicist.

    David Daark was the royal busboy. Any nasty jobs in the kitchen the king wanted done sent to him and some not involving the kitchen at all.

    It must have been hell to get that job, considering the fact that his last name is Daark.

    Like today’s, job which was the nastiest yet.

    ...Why is there a comma in-between "today's" and "job"? Is David Daark's job to spellcheck?

    He was getting ready for an exploration of a bizarre rock formation that appeared overnight.

    SCIENCE

    It was Dark inside and he knew it was suicide to delve inside on his own.

    EWWWWWWWWWWW I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE INSIDES OF A GUY'S BODY D:

    Sadly, his adopted father Dorrace was busy attending to other business with the king.

    The business being that he was supposed to cook, as Daark is dealing with his insides.

    He cursed his luck then kissed the locket on his neck.

    For some reason, I have a mental image that he literally bended his head to kiss the locket on his neck without moving his hands one bit.

    It was unknown where he had acquired it Dorrace had said to him that it was round his neck when he found his out cold body outside the city of Thaliana.

    In truth, Dorrace bought it for him so that it would seem like that Daark had a DAARK, MYSTEEEEEEEEEERIOUS BACKSTORY.

    He sighed, and then quickly put a foot into the cave and sighed again to himself “here we go wonder why the king needs me to go in here anyway,” he went deeper into the cave; it was getting so deep his words were echoing around him.

    Quit sighing! >:|

    He turned on his torch and made his way even further down when suddenly a horrific shake pulled the ceiling down blocking the entrance above.

    This does make me wonder: Why did they let David go into a brand new mine without at least building support beams so that the mine DOESN'T DO THIS TYPE OF THING IN THE FIRST PLACE?

    Rocks and boulders begun to topple battering David in the face then a much larger boulder fell causing David’s rope to snap and he begun to fall.

    ...Wait, he's going down by ROPE? Where was this described?

    As rocks from above continued to batter him and walls scraped into His arm it cracked against a wall and several of his ribs shattered once he eventually came down.

    Ow.

    He tired to pick himself up but the pain was too much then he lost consciousness.

    Well, wouldn't you be tired too after you got several of your ribs shattered?

    David lay on the ground his body twisted and near broken. A face suddenly appeared startling David it was blurred and he could not make it out but it was obviously female “I love you David,” said a voice in his head.

    Clearly, this entire story is David's dying dream.

    “The hell,” muttered David weakly realising he was hallucinating from too much blood loss. “I will never leave your heart even when we are apart,” whispered the mysterious voice David held his head and cried out in pain, “Get out of my head!”

    THE RHYMING. IT HURTS! >_<;

    “Hey is that eejit okay?” asked one small voice as a second replied, “I don’t know should we take him to uncle Shamus?” “Aye that’ll be the sensible idea Polom,” said the small and very hairy boy as both he and the young girl who appeared to be just as hairy began to pull David away from the site of his crash into the caves.

    OH NO, THE NATIVES. THEY MUST BE HUNGRY D:

    “Hey isn’t that the busboy who works for the king of Abyssa?” asked the small girl to which the boy replied, “I’m gonnae tell uncle Shamus aboot this it could be a great chance tae mess wie him.” When David eventually came around, he had been surrounded by a group of small child like creatures wearing similar brown robes and carrying different kinds of weaponry.

    You are not making me think you don't intend to feed on him.

    “Welcome to the underground village of Caledonia sir but I’m afraid you must die now,” said the biggest creature that appeared to be wearing a badge-saying chief on his sash, small hairy creatures moved in on the confused busboy.

    Oh, they're gonna kill him. That's a little less predictable.

    "Err is there anything I can say to spare me?" asked David wondering what the strange hairy things were. The chieftain though for a second and then smiled "Aye perhaps there is fleshy person,” he looked at David for a moment and then continued "We huv a small problem my fellow Bairns huv been going missing and one said that there Wis a bizarre three headed beast striking them Doon,"

    Is it weird that I'm having a hard time sitting through this?

    The assembled Bairns shuddered at the words man beast.” What is this creature you speak of?" asked David politely knowing that a wrong word may cause these Bairns to hurt him in various and nasty ways. "It is evil it killed six of my brothers last night I only have two left, it must be stopped please help us," said the small and very polite girl who had pulled him alongside the aforementioned brother to safety. David smiled a small tear rolling down his eye and said to the little girl “I would do this even if my life wasn’t in danger you can count on me,”

    Aaaaaaaaaaaand we've passed the realm of predictability and into CLICHE.

    Before David goes on his quest, may I pause the tale here to give you a little background on the creatures he has stumbled on.

    NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

    For you see the underground swelling Bairns were legendary to most Gaian citizens. David never had a proper education and thus knew nothing of them. I however do and for my next peek into Gaian life, we shall focus on the Bairns.

    ...You're not gonna stop talking.

    A species called the Bairns were the first to make our world home. They came in two flavours the Rammen who resembled sheep and duggars who resembled well dogs. They had a rivalry, which spanned generations, which finally ended in the great battle of Battenberg. After the dust cleared, there was no clear winner and the remnants of the two tribes split to the far corners of the world. The fates of the duggars are unknown but the Rammen are the species, which David encountered in the caves beneath his home. They have many abilities much of which is lost in the sands of time I am afraid. Unknown to David they had a specific relationship with the rulers of Abyssa one which has been since terminated. Now read on…

    I'm hungry for Ramen. And I don't have the intent to read on.
    ----
    When Shiny said that foreboding comment in the Chatbox, I didn't believe him.

    Hooooooooo boy...

    The problems that this chapter presents, such as the aforementioned "Why didn't they put some support beams inside the cave?". Certain things are also LEFT OUT of the narrative, such as the fact he's going down the cave with a rope until it snaps. And now that we've gotten to the story proper, the pacing becomes problematically apparent, the lack of focus on one subject is also still there, as well as dumping the world-building on you again.

    It's not a very good introductory chapter to this world, I think.
    avatar
    Etheru

    Male Posts : 267
    Points : 341
    Join date : 2011-02-28
    Age : 25
    Location : No.

    Re: Etheru (attempts) to riff.

    Post by Etheru on Sat Aug 11, 2012 10:08 am

    Welp, time for... The rest of chapter 1!?! O_o

    That was just the first part of chapter 1?!!

    Screw it... I'm just gonna get down to business.
    ----

    Later on once the Bairns used their magic to fix up David’s various wounds. David set off for the series of inlets where the monster was last spotted.

    Well, at least there's no padding, but at the same time, this seems a bit rushed.

    It was legitimately creepy inside the ca

    We know this cave was legitimately creepy because this was written. No need to show why.

    ve bats screeched above him and at one point; he thought he saw a gigantic snake.

    In reality, it's the legendary rock formation shaped like a snake. Isn't that lovely!?! :D

    However, it turned out to be a branch several roots, which had burrowed underground.

    ...Oh.

    You ruin all my fun, Simon.

    He smiled, as he knew that must have been the royal tree that grew in the palace garden the three gardeners had told him once that its roots grew inside the ancient caves but he had never believed them until now.

    The castle's got a history of unreliable narrators.

    David began Crossing an underground river that was polluted and foul and hoping that brown log was not what he thought it was.

    Toilet Humor. Stay classy, 16-year old Shiny. Stay classy. :/

    Two Bairns named Palom and Polom who came to help him track the monster down followed him.

    :|

    ...WHY CHOOSE NOW TO EXPLAIN THIS?

    “Hey never did say thanks for both of you taking my unconscious body to your village,” “It Wis nothing pal and thanks fer helping us.” “If you have any questions sir please ask away,” said Polom politely.

    At least David Daark is polite, I guess.

    David tried to word this carefully as not to offend the creatures "So what are you exactly then,"

    "YOU HAVE OFFENDED US, WE WILL EEEEET YOU >:O"

    "We are Bairns sir we live underground and do much of the work for castle Abyssa,” said Polom smiling at David "hold on you do what for the castle?” “We help with the refining from the water crystal to keep you airships powered,” “and in case yuir second question ends up bein whit I think it is yes we know who you are busboy,” laughed Palom with a boyish snigger. “Okay forget I asked,” muttered David under his breath.

    I think we already know what Bairns are. Simon already explained it to us. I'm having bad memories of Ultimate Spider-Man's crap explaining, and the run isn't even done yet.

    “Are all over dwellers as thick as this one,” whispered Palom “just this one brother others I do not know,” whispered Polom as she calmly nodded and smiled at David who said. “You knew me the entire time but continued your charade to scare me,” “its nothing personal pal its jist we love tae make it oot wie the “I’m gonnae kill ye banter wie the normals.”

    Our friends, everyone.

    It felt like days but in reality only hours as they walked to the bottom cavern and spotted their quarry the evil creature that murdered several Bairns "Hide sir," said Polom and they ducked.

    The creature then slowly made its way out, to reveal... A BUNNY RABBIT! D:

    Three men were talking loudly “so when do we get paid for this," said one of them as a second figure muttered “Next week Whipped we are going to hunt every last one of them now," David was shocked to see that not only was The three-headed man beast three poachers but that he recognised them. “That’s Whipped, Custard and Bourbon they are our Gardeners but what are they doing down here?” muttered David to the two Bairns as the three poachers conversation continued.

    ...These are some of the stupidest poachers ever.

    Why would you tell someone, especially someone of David's supposed abilities (I am only guessing this because David is the protagonist, and the fact he's an Omnidisciplinary Busboy, apparently) about what's underground? And don't give me the crap about "He wouldn't believe them", it's... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

    "That’s just wrong that’s not fair on the poor things besides Bairn skins don't fetch all that much,” said the smallest man. “Yes that is true Custard but their blood is highly sought after as a poison,” said the short one. “We got to stop them,” said David shocked at the cruelty.” Sir it is too dangerous we must move our fellow Bairns to safety," said Polom quietly David turned to Polom and put his hand on her shoulder “I have an idea of how to save your tribe but it'll mean you have to go,”

    Nope, I'm losing all care in the world I have for this. The poachers are stupid, the narrative is cluttered, and I can't bring myself to care much for the protagonist.

    However, it was too late suddenly a gun was pointing at David “Get out here right now so I can see your face," the three of them had talked too loud and thus were caught by the poachers.

    ...Okay, I'll admit this subversiveness is pretty decent, considering how loud characters can be in situations like this.

    “Go warn the tribe I’ll handle them,” shouted David and the two Bairns ran away. David then stood in front of Bourbon and said, “When the king learns of this he’ll kick you out of the court.” Bourbon walked over and whacked his gun right into David stomach breaking the same ribs from earlier again “foolish little busboy the king already knows,”

    Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we're back to cliche.

    Also, ow.


    “yes the king already knows and wanted us to…make you disappear nothing personal and all,” said Custard with a grin on his face. David’s face turned white not just from the pain but also from the revelation that the king a man he had trusted all his life had ordered his death. David struggled against the poachers but got beat up some more until Whipped laughed and said to the other two poachers “Kill him and then we will get the Bairns and our payoff from the king," Bourbon laughed grabbed his gun and cracked it right on David’s head. There was sick blackness and then David fell for the second time.

    ...Huh.

    David sat down near a fountain in an unknown castle and sighed to himself “huh where am I did I get captured,” as if to answer him the same voice from earlier called out “David.” “Oh brilliant I am in my screwed up head again,” “I need to go away for a while I will always love you and I shall keep the necklace you gave me as a reminder of our time together,” said the voice but this time there was a face as well. A beautiful brunette girl she wore long robes and a beautiful crown, which had a bright pink ruby inside it. She was stunning David looked at this girl and his heart jumped “Don’t go,” “Shhh don’t cry for me I’ll always love you,” said the beautiful girl who then kissed David. David woke up and noticed the poachers were gone.

    Oh look, another flashback.

    “Oh man what a strange dream,” he then suddenly remembered, "I must help the Bairns," he then ran to the village. Over the underground river, just missing the flowing vines, which grew underneath it hoping to ensnare anyone foolish enough to stop near it. and the dangerous and poisonous fish, which swam in it. Past the giant roots and the endless corridors. The pain was immense as he tried to run as fast as he could but the injuries kept slowing him down. When he got there, the village was in flames and the Bairns were missing David fell to the ground and tears streamed down his face. “no, I failed them;" he then noticed that the poachers were still there.

    ...The underground is a hellhole. :|

    David picked up a fallen piece of rock and a piece of wood and screamed in anger “Scum you killed them all," He ran to Custard and hit him in the head with the piece of wood he fell down in pain. Whipped ran to help his friend but Bourbon aiming for David instead accidentally shot Whipped and turned his gun on David “you made me shoot my friend I will rip you apart with my gun fire!” David grabbed the gun and threw it away. He then kicked Bourbon down onto the ground and then lifted him up to punch him. The punch connected and Bourbon knocked into their cart. A drape fell and the cart revealed its Cargo the Bairns. "You’re safe thank god,” said David smiling happily he begun to unlock the cages not noticing Bourbon picking himself up. Bourbon sneered and looked around for his gun “You will regret this,”

    Ow.

    Then Bourbon got up and everything blurred into slow motion.

    THIS IS NOT A MOVIE.

    The cages opened and the Bairns got out. They attacked and killed Custard and begun to move towards Bourbon. With nothing to lose now his two friends are dead, he leaped over to his gun. David tried to stop him and grabbed Bourbon by the hands. There was a struggle and then Bourbon Pulled the trigger, fired his gun once, twice, three times and David looked at the three holes in his chest with a gasp. He struggled to stay on his feet until it was too late he fell down on the floor and closed his eyes lying in a pool of blood he was dead.

    ...Well. This was a... Dark ending. :|

    ...Well, as long as it means that I don't have to read anymore...

    The Bairns circled the dead body of David many were crying and others were just staring sadly” He died to save us,” said Palom tears down his face. The Bairns moved closer to David’s body. The chieftain Bairn put his hand on David and then smiled “He can be saved but he'll never be human again,”

    ...Goddammit.

    "Help him please," said Polom who was crying the hardest of them all. The chieftain pulled out his knife and then he put his hands on David’s chest, he used his knife to cut one of his fingers and then a single drop of green blood touched David’s open wound and he opened his eyes. Pain ran down his arms as all the cuts and wounds begun to heal themselves. His eyes changed colour to a bright green and his strength had appeared to increase. He smiled at the Bairns and pulled himself up “I was dead wasn’t I?” said David completely shocked by the experience “yes our uncle shamus saved your life but at a cost,” said Polom who was happily hugging David very tightly so tightly in fact David begun to turn bright red and stopped her very quickly.

    SCIENCE

    “Yes I can feel it I am one of you now aren’t I?” “Well not quite you are still human but you share some of our traits,” said chieftain Shamus as he sat down on a chair to get his breath back. “Uncle is you okay?” asked Polom taking the hand of her uncle, which was shaking. “One drawback of the blood ritual I just cast with David is it weakens the donor but I’ll be fine after a day or two…mister David I have a favour to ask of you,” “anything shamus after what you did!” said David smiling.

    Okay, I can't take this anymore.
    ----
    This story HURTS.

    I have the exact same complaints: Bad pacing, failing to mention things in the narrative at a proper time, and the lack of focus? STILL THERE.

    We can also add recapping and explaining a fact that was already explained by Our Founder Simon, and explaining the cave was creepy, but not actually SHOWING it.

    Sponsored content

    Re: Etheru (attempts) to riff.

    Post by Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Thu Dec 14, 2017 1:31 pm