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    Sparty Riffs On Badfics

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    [FAZE]xXx420blaz3sc0pexXx

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    Sparty Riffs On Badfics

    Post by [FAZE]xXx420blaz3sc0pexXx on Sat Jul 28, 2012 12:24 pm

    Doing it just because I'm bored. And continuing with the Rika tradition it's time for me to riff on a story called...

    THE PRAYER PONIES
    I think the subtitle was "Friendship Is Through Jesus" or something. Oh well. Time for maximum hilarity!
    Party Hard by Andrew W.K, the official themesong for this trainwreck.

    So let's do this.

    ----
    First off, my disclaimer; This riffing was done in good taste. If you find it offensive, eat a dick. In all seriousness, this is probably ging to have religion-bashing in i, but I'm going to at least make a conscious effort to avoid it as much as possible. Now.

    Warning/ if you are an atheist and get easily offended with religious things, this fanfic is not for you. It contains Christian themes. By continuing reading you agree to not complain. No, sir, I'm not signing this contract. You have been warned. This also no a troll-fic, so do not come and complain. I have had Ten, a member of Literate Union, to look over this fanfic and he said that it was alright to be published on this site. ...Literate Union? Sounds legit If you are critique, do it on the story telling merits. So if I am critique... good thing I am critiquing, then, huh? I have done my research and talking about God and Jesus is not against the rules. If there are any errors please tell me and I will make an effort to correct them.

    Disclaimer/ I do not own My Little Pony or the Bible – God does. Uh, Mr. God, sir? Hasbro would like a word with you concerning their franchise.

    Charity Comes to in Ponyville The sad part is that the OC here sounds like a stripper. The worse part is that she sounds more like a stripper than the name Twilight Sparkle. That's impossible by definition, people.

    Charity was new in Ponyville so she did not know that many people there. She was a good Christian Pony and had known Jesus for most of her life. Checks out so far. She was a good pony and had never done anything that was illegal or sinful. If that's how you choose to live then rock on, sister. The most important thing was that she had never practised magic at all and this was because Moses told us in the Bible that we should not suffer a witch and that Paul told his followers to burn all books about witchcraft. I... what? Hopefully you're not a unicorn, because otherwise, considering Earth ponies have strength and craftiness, and Pegasi have maneuverability and weather control, you have no advantages. She decided to go to Ponyville about the true way of Christ and how magic is really evil. So she's going there via Christ? How nice of him to provide free rides to people.

    The first person Charity met in Ponyville was Twilight Sparkle. For those not in the know, purple unicorn. Element of Magic, and ridiculously powerful spell user - I'm talking "the Mega Man of the wizard world". Literally. She was able to copy a spell upon seeing it. She's better than Mega Man. The unicorn was purple, even her hair, although she had pink streaks in it. She also had a pink star as her cuttie mark. She was studying a pile of books. She does that. A lot. More than you'd think. Charity was not sure what books they were, but she decided to ask Twilight Sparkle what book they were. This'll end well.

    "Hello, my name is Charity," she said. "Would you be able to tell me what this books you are reading is about?"
    "Hello Charity," said Twilight Sparkle. "This book is about the history of Ponyville and how Princess Celestia managed to build Ponyville with her sister, Princess Luna. But Princess Luna went crazy and tried to take over the world. She was sent to the moon before trying to come back. But she is all good again." It sounds crazy. But then again, believing that a man who will grant you eternal life in return for eating his flesh and undying loyalty is crazy. But then again, believing that everything appeared from nothing because something happened is also crazy.

    "Wow," said Charity. She was very interested in what Twilight Sparkle was reading. But the most interesting thing she wanted to know is if Ponyville practised Christianity or not. Short answer: no. Long answer: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. "Just wondering though, at any point in Ponyville's history, has any of you ever practice Christianity?"

    "Christianity?" pondered Twilight Sparkle in a state of cluelessness. She looked very confused, as if she did not know what Charity was talking about. Note that organized religion probably doesn't exist here. "What is that about? Is that about crisps?" So the author's a Brit. Huh. Charity was shocked at what she was saying, but she decided to forgive her – she was living in ignorance. It was not her fault that no one had ever told her about Jesus and the sacrifice he made for us all. If nothing else the guy had to have had a lot of faith in humanity to do that. And look where we are now.

    "Christianity is all about the sacrifice that Jesus made for us by dying on the cross. By doing this, he allowed us to have eternal life, but only if we followed his holy commandments. These commandments were given to us a thousand years before that but people ignored it. Jesus came back to remind us about the commitment of God. What do you think of that," So basically a man got crucified, unlocking IDDQD for everyone, so long as they follow a strict set of rules that have existed in stone for a thousand years. Sounds legit. Charity explained. Twilight Sparkle eyes sparkled up just like her namesake. She looked really interested in Christianity. Keep in mind, this is actually an in-character reaction - this applies to anything alien you tell her about.

    "Wow, that is very interesting," she told Charity in an excited manner. "Let us go to Princess Celestia and tell her all about this great person called Jesus. Wow, you have really changed my life." This, however, is not.
    Twilight Sparkle dashed toward the castle at a gallop of a gait, with Charity tagging along behind her. Wait, the gallop of a gait? Uh... I don't think walking works that way. She wanted to go with Twilight Sparkle so that she could find out why they had not practice Christianity before. Here's an insane thought, prepare your tinfoil hats; what if Christianity didn't exist there? She feared that something evil had taken control of Ponyville the day that it was formed, and she wanted to see if this evil was the cause that stopped them from practising Christianity in the first place. OH NO IT'S THE STAN LEADR OF THA DEEMONZ

    "This is the castle where Princess Celestia lives. Be very careful around her, for she can be very unpredictable," said Twilight Sparkle, blushing. Charity could tell that Twilight Sparkle hero worshiped Princess Celestia. She hoped that one day Twilight Sparkle would also worship Jesus Christ. Hope and physical effect are two different things. This was because Jesus Christ has done more for than anyone else in this world. ...for what, exactly? I kinda have to know the cause to properly rebuke it, you know!

    They then entered the throne room and there was Princess Celestia, sitting on her throne. Also for those not in the know; basically that one chick from Samurai Jack ponified. Leader of Equestria, controls the sun, so don't fuck with her. She's an alicorn, which means she gets the powers of all three species and immortality. She was a white unicorn just like Twilight Sparkle but her hair was of a different pastel colors. These colors included light blue, a limy green, a purple much like Twilight Sparkle's skin, and a light pinkie color which looked very girly. Her cuttie mark was the sun – in contrast to her sister which was the moon.

    "Hey, Princess Celestia, I have some really cool news to tell you. I have just today found out about a really cool person," said Twilight Sparkle excitedly – hopping about crazily. Here we go... three...

    "And who is this person? Please tell me," she asked Twilight Sparkle – eager waiting for a response. ...two...

    "This person is Jesus Christ" said Twilight Sparkle proudly. Suddenly Princess Celestia turned to dark and her eyes started to glow red. Extra horns started to grow out of her head, and her skin went a dark brown color. ...crap, it happened early. What the hell is wrong with Celestia? I don't see her getting that pissed off for no particular reason. Did Jesus molest her? Did he bear her? Did he steal her favorite stuffy when she was little?

    "Leave this room at once," she said in a very low and sinister voice. ...guess we aren't finding out. Anyways, it seems she tried to make Celestia being Satan or something as obvious as possible. But then again when you're Satan rage transforming is kind of obvious... Suddenly some evil spell came upon Twilight Sparkle and Charity which transported them out of the castle and into the evil woods, which had sinister looking trees staring at them. The Everfree Forest. It's Austrailia, basically. Everything there wants you dead and eaten. Travel there should only be done inside giant robots. And unlike the other trees, these trees could not be convinced into not being evil. ...trees are evil? Fuck hippies then! Also, you can convince trees to not be evil? How the fuck do you even... Either way, if you can't convince trees into not being evil... well, Charlie Brown, that's why chainsaws were invented.

    ----

    And that's the end of Chapthurr Uno. Come back next time, as I go deeper into the rabbithole.


    Last edited by A Gong on Sun Jul 29, 2012 8:32 am; edited 1 time in total
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    [FAZE]xXx420blaz3sc0pexXx

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    Re: Sparty Riffs On Badfics

    Post by [FAZE]xXx420blaz3sc0pexXx on Sat Jul 28, 2012 12:45 pm

    Some haven't asked me, "How can you survive such badficcery?" The answer is apathy. Loads and loads of apathy.

    Red Five, standing by for the second chapter of this mess. Let's have fun.

    Catgroove by Parov Stelar, the official theme for the second chapter.

    ----

    Attack of the Evil Trees OH NOES NOT THE TREES NOT THE TREES AHHHH THEY POKED OUT MY EYES MY EYES AUUGAKJGJAHAH OUHUAIRKHAUKAHJDHGAHHHHHH

    While Twilight Sparkle started to cry like a little baby panicking, Charity knelt down to pray, knowing that God would come to her aid. Oh really now? Also, Twilight wouldn't panic, she would calmly asses the situation before doing so. She stared at Twilight Sparkle and told her to join her. Obediently, Twilight Sparkle followed Charity into prayer as the evil trees began to approach them. Sane people would have busted out the chainsaw by now. Also, the trees in the first episode were immobile. Lrn2canon. Someone had done some evil Satan magic on them to cause them move. Or maybe they're just evil? This was most likely Princess Celestia, but Charity decided that it could be anyone and choose to not make any conclusions yet. That's... actually a smart move. Never jump to conclusions; it always ends badly.

    "God, I pray for you now to help us in our time of need. We are in danger – our enemies are approaching us quickly - and I do not think we will be able to stop them by ourselves. We ask you to give us strength and power to defeat these wicked spirits," they both prayed as loudly as possible so that God could hear them – he is a busy person looking after lots of people so they needed to get his attention. Then what's all this shite I'm hearing about you being special under God? He's a fucking omnipotent deity for crying out loud!

    A voice coming from the heavens spoke to them – giving them comfort and strength – saying, "My dear children, I will bless you with some holy strength so that you can defeat these evil spirits. I give you power that no evil witch could ever defeat – not even Princess Celestia, who has cursed my name many times by doing wicked things. Now go a defeat them." His holy present gave both Charity and Twilight Sparkle the strength to defeat the demonic trees. Come on... badass fight scene... badass fight scene... badass mothafuckin' fight scene...

    "I command – in the name of Jesus Christ – that you to leave this realm at once. I banish you from this universe, and you will go back to the depths where you belong," Charity yelled with all her strength. ...what? Twilight Sparkle joined in by saying the same thing that Charity has said, but she was not as powerful since she was not an expert at getting rid of demons compared to Charity, who had many years of experience. ...wait, that's how you get rid of the demons? DOOMGUY YOU LIED TO ME. Also apparently Charity is an exorcist. What is her cutie mark, a cross and a bottle of holy water? Does she even have one, or is that against Christianity somehow? Something tells me we'll soon get answers.

    The demon trees – the scary faces staring at these holy beings – then burst into flames, screaming as they went into the depths of hell. Charity prayed over the ashes, making sure that the demons won't ever return – we do not want any demons to return. The Twilight Sparkle committed forty sins. She committed 40 sins. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible.

    After leaving the forest, Twilight Sparkle decided to get Charity to meet her best friends - Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Oh hey look it's best pony. Anyways. Rainbow Dash = blue pegasus with rainbow hair. Fastest flyer in all of Equestria, and though she's an egomaniac she can damn well put her money where her mouth is. Element of Loyalty, too. Applejack's a hard worker, works on the local farm, Element of Honesty. Orange, Earth pony. Nothing special other than that (sadly). So they went to the farm where Applejack was picking apples from a tree – listening to her iPod, since it was an apple product as well – and Rainbow Dash was helping her. ...I see what you did there. And it sucked.

    "Come and met my new friend," Twilight Sparkle said happily, trotting up to Applejack, who was now looking at Charity, wondering who the new pony was. "This is Charity and she has introduced me to a really cool thing."

    "Wow," said Applejack – moving towards Charity to examine her – before asking a question, "What are you talking about?"

    "I am talking about Christianity and the awesomeness of Jesus Christ!" Twilight Sparkle said proudly. "I just converted today!" This comment caused Applejack to become irritated – Rainbow Dash turned his head, wondering what was going on. Wait... what? Applejack usually isn't the one to bitch unless her friends are being idiots.

    "There will be none of that nonsense here," Applejack said honestly.

    "But I thought you were Missouri? I thought everyone there were Christians," asked Twilight Sparkle. Applejack... is the state of Missouri... and that means everyone in Applejack is Christian... oh god the bad pictures please get the bad pictures out of my head aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa VGS VGS VGS

    "Well… I am an Atheist and my boyfriend Rainbow Dash is one too. "boyfriend Rainbow Dash" WHAT. How does that even work? I doubt she's transgender, and even though her voice is raspy she's obviously a girl. Jeez. Now I will ask you to go before I ring the police," Apple demanded. Charity and Twilight Sparkle decided that it was not worth annoying them – they did not want to get arrested. They went back to Twilight Sparkles house to work out their next plan in converting Ponyville to Christianity. No, Twilight, you are the fundies. But anyways... somebody should tell them they're the villains right now.

    ----

    Well was that ever fun. At least OP didn't portray Applejack as a stereotypical hick and for that I give you respect you'll soon lose anyway.

    But yeah. You called Rainbow Dash a boy. She gon' be pissed when she finds out 'bout that. Load the shotgun, you'll probably need it.
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    arcadiarika

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    Re: Sparty Riffs On Badfics

    Post by arcadiarika on Sun Jul 29, 2012 8:06 am

    Oh, my goodness.

    You know what? I thought about liveblogging that story. But due to Writer's Block, I decided not to.

    So far, I really love your take on The Prayer Ponies. Keep it up!
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    Re: Sparty Riffs On Badfics

    Post by [FAZE]xXx420blaz3sc0pexXx on Sun Jul 29, 2012 8:59 am

    Two chapters in and already we've gotten the unsettling revelation that Best Pony is transgender, that Applejack is the state of Missouri, and that Celestia is apparently Satan. How could this possibly get any worse?

    I had to ask, didn't I?

    We're going deeper. Welcome to Subterreanean Level Three, and I hope you enjoy your stay.

    I happen to be a bit... odd today. With that in mind, Morning Dew by Bad Lip Reading is the theme song.

    ----

    Pinkie Pie has a Dream THAT EVERYPONY IN EQUESTRIA WOULD BE EQUAL. -assassinated-

    "We will be apparent with those two – it was obvious that the witch Princess Celestia has brainwashed them with liberal ideas. It is obvious that Rainbow Dash seems a bit girly at times – Jesus will put a stop to behavior such as that – and I was surprised that Applejack is not a Christian, seeing that she comes from Missouri," said Charity energetically and vigorously, while Twilight Sparkles followed her fervently, listening to every word the pony said. Of course she seems girly, she has an X chromosome, ask her! Also, Applejack does not hail from Missouri. Earth doesn't even exist. How do you even know what Missouri is.

    "I am sure those two will come around – they can be stubborn at times. We just need to be persistent – they will give in. We will not give up. God will never let us down with this mission. The only person we have to be worried about is Princess Celestia – she has always been a bit nasty to me in the past – she is the only person that could hurt us if we are not careful. They do not call her a troll for nothing," said Twilight Sparkle fathomably. Oh look, Trollestia. Charity nodded her head in agreement. "But I am sure my friend Pinkie Pie will understand – she is opened to new ideas, especially good news such as Christ."

    Charity laughed at this joke since she got the joke. In other news, a job cut has been announced for the Department of Redundancy Department, which has announced a job cut. The gospel means the good news. It showed her that Christians could be humorous. As a representative of your religion, you aren't doing well. "Let's go find her then."

    Pinkie Pie was outside her house, watering plants – humming a folk tune – and munching on some bread and honey. She moved her head up as Charity and Twilight Sparkle approached her – looking at them.

    "Hullo," she said all hyperactive, with her jumping about – she most likely had at least ten coffees this morning. She probably did. "Who is this?" she was hopping around the other two ponies. This was a weird sight if someone did not know Pinkie Pie - unless someone became really good friends with her and knew her very well. She was a fun pony to be around. Twilight Sparkles realized that she was talking about Charity, since neither of them had met before.

    "This is Charity and she has introduced me to Christianity – Jesus is now my best friend – and she has been awesome, bringing me on an exciting adventure," said Twilight Sparkle. Wait... best friend? Then what's this shite about the "magic of friendship" been? And what about everyone else?

    Suddenly, Pinkie Pie turned quiet, and when she spoke she said things very taciturnly. "But Princess Celestia has warned us about those Christians. I was told that they poison people while they are asleep and secretly kill them? Sorry, but I do not want to know you now. You are not my friend anymore. Goodbye." ...what. I... how... this... but... there aren't even enough words to describe how fundamentally wrong this is... She went into her house and locked the door, shutting herself up in her dwelling.

    Disappointed and thwarted, Twilight Sparkle and Charity went back to Twilight Sparkle's house to work out what to do next. "What went wrong," said Twilight Sparkle.
    "That is what I am wondering," said Charity in a really depressed manner. "Let me sleep on it."

    That night, Pinkie Pie had a dream. Demons were attacking her and she was being chased by these demons. Panicking, she sprinted and she suddenly ran into an even bigger demon. It had an even bigger horn. It was the devil! OH NOES ITS NATAS Suddenly out of nowhere came Jesus Christ, with a sword – killing the demon - and saving Pinkie Pie's live. Advice Jesus - Advocates turning the other cheek; slays a demon with a sword. Besides, errybody uses guns.

    Pinkie Pie woke up saying, "I am going to convert to Christianity!"

    ----

    ...

    I can't even...

    There just aren't any words. There are no words.
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    Re: Sparty Riffs On Badfics

    Post by [FAZE]xXx420blaz3sc0pexXx on Sun Jul 29, 2012 9:20 am

    Okay. That chapter, I admit, broke me a little bit. I just...

    Alright Spart pull it together. You can do this.

    Welcome to Part Four.

    Music for this chapter is Magic Man, also by Bad Lip Reading.

    ----

    Spike Gets Spiked ...I can't comment. Just look at the dang thing.

    As Twilight Sparkle and Charity played Bible related board game, Pinkie Pie burst into the room, screaming as loud as she could, "Jesus is for life!" Both Ponies were shock at first with her sudden revelation. But they soon regain their ability to think and were glad that she had changed her mind – now they could share each other's company in heaven when they died, since Ponies go to heaven – a pony heaven, much like our own one. So there's a different heaven for Equestrian ponies - who are a sapient species - than humans? GOD IS APARTHEID "Hey, you are playing a board game – cool – can I play?"

    "Sure," said Twilight Sparkle. "That is okay with you, right?" she asked Charity.

    "That is okay. This way it will be easier to explain Christianity to our friend. All you need to do is explain the rules," the new pony said.

    "Oh, thank you! Thank you very much!" said Pinkie Pie in a much exited voice: An exited voice? You mean to tell me she left? RUN PINKIE RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK

    "The main rules to the board game they were playing was this: firstly, everyone chooses one of Jesus' followers who then, secondly, take turns travelling around the Roman Empire converting people to Christianity. At first you can only convert Jews, but as your convert rating goes up, you can convert other people such as gentiles and pagans. Each turn, the person rolls two dices, which shows how many spaces they can move. Whenever they land onto a town, which has a small population, or a city, which has a bigger population, the player roles two dices, and if they roll a number more than the number written on the city, they convert the entire city. Each person converted is one point towards the convert rating. If they fail to convert a city or town the player can remain on the town for the next turn, but they have to roll another dice, which if they roll a six, the town will kill the player – forcing them to create a new follower, with its convert rating renewed back to zero, starting at Jerusalem. If they do get kill, they get to roll another dice, and if they roll an even number, God destroys that town or city. If the town or city is not destroyed, and a player lands on that city or town, they also have to roll a dice, and if it rolls an odd number, they die also, but they also get to roll the dice to decide if the city or town gets destroyed. The game continues until every town or city is converted or destroyed. I hope you like this game – I just came up with it right now." ...what. Teel dear. So I am to understand that you are a Christian who tries to convert a city. If you succeed you level up and can convert more and if you fail you might die, causing God to nuke your city from the heavens. I... yeah, I give up trying to make sense of it.

    Twilight Sparkle, Charity and Pinkie Pie played this game until Spike spurted in. VGN VGS VGN VGS VGN VGS VGN VGS STOP IT. Other than that, Spike. Baby dragon, living fax machine, and Twilight's assistant. He was a dragon with purple scales and green fur. He had stream coming out of his nostrils – ravealing that he was angry about something.

    "How dare you betray me by converting to Christianity? Now I must unfriend you because I am an atheist," he yelled at the top of his voice. Spike, reality does not work like Faebook. On a more serious note, God damn, Christianity has a bad name here. Wonder who we can blame for that. :| He looked really mad – his face was turning red.

    "Look," said Twilight Sparkle, "it is not my fault that I converted to Christianity – you can whinge, moan, and complain as much as you like, but I will not turn back from my decision. There is no way I am going to return to my old wicked ways. ...magic =/= witchcraft. Although I am still willing to be friend with you – since I am generous and believe in tolerance. I am deeply sad that you refuse to convert to Christianity, but if you are so willing to still friend be friends with me, since I am not too bothered – Jesus loves everyone unconditionally."

    Because this comment annoyed Spike – he did not like it that a Christians was being nice to him – he stormed around the room breathing fire – but since Charity prayed to God to protect the house from evil, none of the flames destroyed the house –and then he stormed out after realizing his fire breathing was not working. So prayer seems to work the same way as magic. Damn. That means that a frontal confrontation versus Charity and her corrupted pals won't work.

    As he frogmarched away from the house – moaning by saying comments such as "I hate God" and "Jesus doesn't Exists" – which was such a stupid comment since Jesus was real – God sent down a thunder bolt, which was carefully done so that it didn't kill Spike since God still had plans for this Dragon – even if he was an atheist – onto Spike, making his entire green hair spike up. Wow did that sentence ever run on. Anyways, if Jesus is real then he should make his physical presence known. Also, Spike doesn't have hair. Lrn2canon. "What has just happened? I was wrong all along! God is real! I better go back to Twilight Sparkle, Charity and Pinkie Pie and tell them that I have changed my mind and that I will convert to Christianity just like my friends have done!" ...how does thunderstrike Christian make? So he ran back to Charity's place yelling as loud as he could, "I confess that I am a sinner. Jesus, please forgive me!"

    "Since Jesus is a forgiver, I will forgive you also," said Twilight Sparkle. And so, Spike joined them in their game. But accepting Jesus, he was going to enjoy the reward of eternal life given to him by Christ.

    ----
    Oh good, this one didn't end too badly. Thank the Gods.

    Still a bit frazzled from last chapter, so little closing commentary. But I swear to God this is a plague...

    ...Charity is a plaguebearer. Things are getting worse than I thought.

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    Re: Sparty Riffs On Badfics

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