THE PRAYER PONIES
I think the subtitle was "Friendship Is Through Jesus" or something. Oh well. Time for maximum hilarity!
Party Hard by Andrew W.K, the official themesong for this trainwreck.
So let's do this.
First off, my disclaimer; This riffing was done in good taste. If you find it offensive, eat a dick. In all seriousness, this is probably ging to have religion-bashing in i, but I'm going to at least make a conscious effort to avoid it as much as possible. Now.
Warning/ if you are an atheist and get easily offended with religious things, this fanfic is not for you. It contains Christian themes. By continuing reading you agree to not complain. No, sir, I'm not signing this contract. You have been warned. This also no a troll-fic, so do not come and complain. I have had Ten, a member of Literate Union, to look over this fanfic and he said that it was alright to be published on this site. ...Literate Union? Sounds legit If you are critique, do it on the story telling merits. So if I am critique... good thing I am critiquing, then, huh? I have done my research and talking about God and Jesus is not against the rules. If there are any errors please tell me and I will make an effort to correct them.
Disclaimer/ I do not own My Little Pony or the Bible – God does. Uh, Mr. God, sir? Hasbro would like a word with you concerning their franchise.
Charity Comes to in Ponyville The sad part is that the OC here sounds like a stripper. The worse part is that she sounds more like a stripper than the name Twilight Sparkle. That's impossible by definition, people.
Charity was new in Ponyville so she did not know that many people there. She was a good Christian Pony and had known Jesus for most of her life. Checks out so far. She was a good pony and had never done anything that was illegal or sinful. If that's how you choose to live then rock on, sister. The most important thing was that she had never practised magic at all and this was because Moses told us in the Bible that we should not suffer a witch and that Paul told his followers to burn all books about witchcraft. I... what? Hopefully you're not a unicorn, because otherwise, considering Earth ponies have strength and craftiness, and Pegasi have maneuverability and weather control, you have no advantages. She decided to go to Ponyville about the true way of Christ and how magic is really evil. So she's going there via Christ? How nice of him to provide free rides to people.
The first person Charity met in Ponyville was Twilight Sparkle. For those not in the know, purple unicorn. Element of Magic, and ridiculously powerful spell user - I'm talking "the Mega Man of the wizard world". Literally. She was able to copy a spell upon seeing it. She's better than Mega Man. The unicorn was purple, even her hair, although she had pink streaks in it. She also had a pink star as her cuttie mark. She was studying a pile of books. She does that. A lot. More than you'd think. Charity was not sure what books they were, but she decided to ask Twilight Sparkle what book they were. This'll end well.
"Hello, my name is Charity," she said. "Would you be able to tell me what this books you are reading is about?"
"Hello Charity," said Twilight Sparkle. "This book is about the history of Ponyville and how Princess Celestia managed to build Ponyville with her sister, Princess Luna. But Princess Luna went crazy and tried to take over the world. She was sent to the moon before trying to come back. But she is all good again." It sounds crazy. But then again, believing that a man who will grant you eternal life in return for eating his flesh and undying loyalty is crazy. But then again, believing that everything appeared from nothing because something happened is also crazy.
"Wow," said Charity. She was very interested in what Twilight Sparkle was reading. But the most interesting thing she wanted to know is if Ponyville practised Christianity or not. Short answer: no. Long answer: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. "Just wondering though, at any point in Ponyville's history, has any of you ever practice Christianity?"
"Christianity?" pondered Twilight Sparkle in a state of cluelessness. She looked very confused, as if she did not know what Charity was talking about. Note that organized religion probably doesn't exist here. "What is that about? Is that about crisps?" So the author's a Brit. Huh. Charity was shocked at what she was saying, but she decided to forgive her – she was living in ignorance. It was not her fault that no one had ever told her about Jesus and the sacrifice he made for us all. If nothing else the guy had to have had a lot of faith in humanity to do that. And look where we are now.
"Christianity is all about the sacrifice that Jesus made for us by dying on the cross. By doing this, he allowed us to have eternal life, but only if we followed his holy commandments. These commandments were given to us a thousand years before that but people ignored it. Jesus came back to remind us about the commitment of God. What do you think of that," So basically a man got crucified, unlocking IDDQD for everyone, so long as they follow a strict set of rules that have existed in stone for a thousand years. Sounds legit. Charity explained. Twilight Sparkle eyes sparkled up just like her namesake. She looked really interested in Christianity. Keep in mind, this is actually an in-character reaction - this applies to anything alien you tell her about.
"Wow, that is very interesting," she told Charity in an excited manner. "Let us go to Princess Celestia and tell her all about this great person called Jesus. Wow, you have really changed my life." This, however, is not.
Twilight Sparkle dashed toward the castle at a gallop of a gait, with Charity tagging along behind her. Wait, the gallop of a gait? Uh... I don't think walking works that way. She wanted to go with Twilight Sparkle so that she could find out why they had not practice Christianity before. Here's an insane thought, prepare your tinfoil hats; what if Christianity didn't exist there? She feared that something evil had taken control of Ponyville the day that it was formed, and she wanted to see if this evil was the cause that stopped them from practising Christianity in the first place. OH NO IT'S THE STAN LEADR OF THA DEEMONZ
"This is the castle where Princess Celestia lives. Be very careful around her, for she can be very unpredictable," said Twilight Sparkle, blushing. Charity could tell that Twilight Sparkle hero worshiped Princess Celestia. She hoped that one day Twilight Sparkle would also worship Jesus Christ. Hope and physical effect are two different things. This was because Jesus Christ has done more for than anyone else in this world. ...for what, exactly? I kinda have to know the cause to properly rebuke it, you know!
They then entered the throne room and there was Princess Celestia, sitting on her throne. Also for those not in the know; basically that one chick from Samurai Jack ponified. Leader of Equestria, controls the sun, so don't fuck with her. She's an alicorn, which means she gets the powers of all three species and immortality. She was a white unicorn just like Twilight Sparkle but her hair was of a different pastel colors. These colors included light blue, a limy green, a purple much like Twilight Sparkle's skin, and a light pinkie color which looked very girly. Her cuttie mark was the sun – in contrast to her sister which was the moon.
"Hey, Princess Celestia, I have some really cool news to tell you. I have just today found out about a really cool person," said Twilight Sparkle excitedly – hopping about crazily. Here we go... three...
"And who is this person? Please tell me," she asked Twilight Sparkle – eager waiting for a response. ...two...
"This person is Jesus Christ" said Twilight Sparkle proudly. Suddenly Princess Celestia turned to dark and her eyes started to glow red. Extra horns started to grow out of her head, and her skin went a dark brown color. ...crap, it happened early. What the hell is wrong with Celestia? I don't see her getting that pissed off for no particular reason. Did Jesus molest her? Did he bear her? Did he steal her favorite stuffy when she was little?
"Leave this room at once," she said in a very low and sinister voice. ...guess we aren't finding out. Anyways, it seems she tried to make Celestia being Satan or something as obvious as possible. But then again when you're Satan rage transforming is kind of obvious... Suddenly some evil spell came upon Twilight Sparkle and Charity which transported them out of the castle and into the evil woods, which had sinister looking trees staring at them. The Everfree Forest. It's Austrailia, basically. Everything there wants you dead and eaten. Travel there should only be done inside giant robots. And unlike the other trees, these trees could not be convinced into not being evil. ...trees are evil? Fuck hippies then! Also, you can convince trees to not be evil? How the fuck do you even... Either way, if you can't convince trees into not being evil... well, Charlie Brown, that's why chainsaws were invented.
And that's the end of Chapthurr Uno. Come back next time, as I go deeper into the rabbithole.
Last edited by A Gong on Sun Jul 29, 2012 8:32 am; edited 1 time in total